I changed my mind

 I changed my mind. I will write here. I hope something coherent comes out because every time I start writing there is an alarm.

I write what is happaning with me here, but I always feel that I represent something bigger because this is not my private war. I am especially saddened by the stormy and large demonstrations against us all over the world and I feel helpless in the face of people's lack of understanding that we would never start such a war. What country would stand silently in the face of the murder and massacre of 1400 of its people, babies, children, innocent citizens.

In what world should a grandmother like me feel that she is risking her life when she drives for half an hour to bring her grandchildren candy and food. Yes, I did it again. Yesterday I made them the cheese fritters they like, pasta and Bolognese and a meat pie and I left. The roads are empty and it's even scarier.                                                                                                                                                                                             They are surprised every time I come and of course very happy. I don't stay there long, I'm constantly calculating when is the right time to leave before the rockets and so far I've succeeded.

The shower is also a small victory every time. I hear around me that I'm not the only one who is afraid that the roof will collapse on her head in the middle of the shower. How embarrassing. I was told not to take a shower on the round hour because on the round hour there is more chance of an alarm.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Today I went to do the annual test for my car, something that in the past I paid someone to do it for me. Since on my birthday which was the day before the war started I promised myself to overcome my fears, I went by myself and it was easy. I was the only driver there, everyone is either the army or afraid and so I got through it in five minutes.

And thanks again to everyone who comments here and I apologize again that I still don't respond personally to the comments.                                                                                                                                                                        And one more thing, I of course think in Hebrew and sometimes I use Google Translate when I'm not sure I wrote correctly, if there are sentences or some words that seem strange to you, blame Google. (I will deal with the rest of the charges later...).

Another update

 I think I will take a short or long break from writing posts. I think that everything I can write here can bring a lot of sadness and pain to your world, you who read here, and I don't want to bring it to you.

Those who want to be updated can do so through the news wherever you live. Even if the truth is not always told there.

I will read your blogs and comment there as if nothing is happening here, as long as I feel it is the right thing to do.

The world is full of pain but also good and beautiful things and I don't want to bring the pain into your world.

I'm glad you were here for me with a kind word. It was very important and still is.

See you in the comments to your blogs, in the special and personal world that each of you brings to blogland.

The narrow corridor of fear

 I noticed that people here fear the silence. Hours of silence are interpreted here as a conspiracy. Maybe they are planning something big, maybe they are there doing the math on how to keep their ammunition for a long time and so on.

A miracle happened to me. I'm not afraid anymore. Most of the time. Yesterday I went to the small town nearby to buy a new computer. My computer crashed and if there's something I can't do without it's a computer even though most of the time I'm with the iPhone which is actually also a small computer but it's not the same.

I also took my neighbor who doesn't drive with me and together we felt very brave.

In one of the Zen books on my shelf I read the concept of the narrow corridor of fear. I remember then it helped me overcome my worries and concerns that always accompanied me. I think I crossed that corridor.                                                                                                                                                                                                My granddaughter asked me to make her the zucchini fritters she likes, tomorrow morning I will buy zucchini at the small store here that has everything and if the conditions permit I will go there again in the next few days.

In the meantime, Shabbat is relatively quiet except for a few rockets that were fired at the city of Ashdod, not far from where my grandchildren live.

 Friday the 6th of October was my birthday. This date is not always easy for me because it is also the date when my first husband was killed in the Yom Kippur War. There were years when I ignored my birthday, but years have come when I do mention it and here in the picture is my granddaughter, some of you know her from the blog at the restaurant in Ashdod where we celebrated my birthday. In the last week, Ashdod has been bombed every day and of course you can't go to the restaurant. But on this Friday life still seemed normal. On Saturday morning that changed.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  On this birthday I promised myself that this would be the year I stop being afraid. I always worry and there are too many that I fear because of them. Like driving in certain places and parking in the city. I didn't think that the next morning life would challenge me to stop being afraid.

Indeed I am very proud of myself. I'm not afraid I went to my grandchildren yesterday with sweets and food that I cooked for them. I prayed all the way that I wouldn't get hit by a missile and I did arrive safely and returned home after two hours.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Yesterday on the phone my hairdresser told me that he had no clients. I agreed with him that I would arrive this morning and hoped that this time too I would do the 14 kilometers in peace, so it was.

It is now afternoon and that is the time when the windows and the house start shaking. Biden is visiting here and it gives a little confidence that there might be someone to help in difficult times.

Thanks again to everyone who says a kind word. It helps a lot.

update

 Every time I start writing there are alarms.

It is important for you to know that Israel did not shell a hospital. A long-range rocket that Hamas was preparing to launch exploded there and in addition to that there was a weapons cache there.

the eighth day

 I want to thank each of you who comment here with understanding and compassion and care. I'm sorry that I can't comment on everyone personally but I read everything. I read Joanne's compassionate and concerned post and the comments from people with whom I've been doing a long journey here in blogland and also those who are commenting for the first time . Thank you all.                                                                                Of course my attention was caught by one comment by someone that she doesn't like Israel. There are quite a few of them in the world, but a day after the terrible massacre that took place here, it would have been possible to show a little more compassion.                                                                                                      Here the alarms still go on but the frequency has decreased. Sometimes the prolonged silence is frightening because the question always arises, perhaps Hamas is saving the ammunition for the great strike that it constantly threatens.                                                                                                                                     There is also the daily question of when should I take a shower so that the alarm doesn't catch me in the middle. So far I have been able to meet the challenge.       I will update more later.

Thank you all.                                                                       

the seventh day

 Hamas is ISIS. Everyone should know this. Now it's with us, tomorrow it could be anywhere. They found Isis flags and training booklets of this terrible organization. The way they massacred people children and grandmothers is also the way of Isis. I'm writing this because the photos that came out or are already coming out of Gaza will provoke harsh criticism of us. Indeed, the heart goes out to the simple people in Gaza because they are also victims of the Hamas. We have no other choice. The population in Gaza is now being asked to leave south before they shell Hamas. The sad thing is that Egypt is not ready to give them asylum. There is not a single Arab country ready to receive them. Such a thing would not happen with us. Israel sends planes and people to the edge of the world when someone is in trouble.

Our parents and grandmothers came here because they had nowhere else to go in Europe during World War II. Those who stayed there did not survive and we have no other place. I am writing this as a prelude to the troll attacks that will write here or on other blogs how bad and cruel we are.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         I already know the difference between an explosion of the Iron Dome, shelling in the south or the fall of a rocket because yesterday a rocket fell very close to here. The house shook more than ever.

the fifth day

I am debating whether to tell only my personal story here or to give a broader picture of the terrible thing that happened here. The truth is that nothing happened to me that had not happened before in previous rounds of war. Right, I'm scared. I have many minutes of fear with alarms in my unprotected hallway, I don't go to my grandchildren and I hardly leave the house. My grandchildren have not been going to school for five days and they are all sleeping together with the two dogs, the cats and their mother in the protected room. They are used to such situations and not anxious.   -

The TV stations here take pity on us and do not broadcast difficult images or details. There are difficult details that I see precisely on foreign TV stations. But after five days the real story starts to come out.

There is an organization called Zaka that has been operating for more than twenty years in places where there have been serious accidents or attacks. They collect corpses and what remains after an attack. They have seen terrible things in these twenty years and now they are being interviewed and crying. They say that they have never been exposed to such severe cases of abuse of babies, children, and deaths. Entire settlements are completely burned and the bodies have not yet been collected. There are also dead bodies of dogs and cats in the streets.              Everyone talks about it in terms of a holocaust after the sights are revealed.

I think this is the last time I will write here about the general picture because I don't want to flood the post with descriptions of horror and also with the understanding that as much as I want the understanding and support from those who read it won't always happen 100 percent.

With all the difficulty we experience here there is also a beautiful side of the thousands of people here who help everyone who is in need. The feeling is that the disputes that have been here in the past months are over and the people are very united.

And a big thank you to all the blogland members for the supportive comments. For me it means a lot.                                             

what is happening now

 My house is about forty kilometers north of Gaza and thirty kilometers south of Jerusalem. In the terms of our small country, it is far from Gaza and close to Jerusalem. I can't sleep at night and already know how to distinguish between the echoes of the shelling in Gaza and the explosions of the rockets from Gaza that are sent here and stop near the Iron Dome. The house shakes anyway.All the TV stations here talk in terms of the Holocaust when they try to describe the scale of the horror that took place on Saturday in the border and at the nature party where 260 young people were murdered. In the settlements,  in the families with their small children were murdered. There are parents, children and grandchildren who are still looking for their family member.The feeling is that something more difficult and longer awaits us in the coming days. People were asked to stock up on water and food as scary as it sounds and belongs to other times. I will update more later and sorry that I don't personally answer comments.

what is happening here

 I don't know if I will go into all the details about what is happening here. I don't know what the news stations in your places are reporting, but without a doubt what you see from here you don't see there.

On Saturday morning at six thirty I woke up to an alarm. I don't have a protected place and I'm just standing in the small hallway of my small house that won't withstand even a rocket fragment. This happened several more times during the day. All day and night I heard loud explosions and saw the fireballs of the Iron Dome. The TV is on and tells me where there is an alarm at any given time.

TThey entered houses and shot at families there. They took captive small children and demented old women with their Nepali caregivers. People are still besieged in their homes and waiting for rescue.

I still haven't heard the alarms here this morning. I calm myself by cooking vegetable soup. I watch on TV unhappy and painful parents whose child who was at a nature party was kidnapped to Gaza with several dozen other boys and girls who were at the party. Those who were not kidnapped or managed to escape were shot.

If I succeed I will upload a picture from the night before from spending time at a restaurant with my granddaughter and the rest of the family in honor of my birthday which was the night before.